Actual Article: ‘How to Audition for a Vampire Role 101’

Have you heard of The Examiner? Its a website where you can write articles and post it on the site, making you look like an expert in a particular field.

Well, some idiot actually wrote this article below. I really hope she was trying to be funny.

From The Examiner:

How To Audition For A Vampire Role 101

It seems these days the key to making a television show or movie work is to have a vampire in the storyline. It worked for True Blood, HBO’s drama with an unorthodox take on vampires in Louisiana. Already in it’s second season, True Blood is currently ranked #6 on Amazon.com’s list of bestselling DVDs . Behind it at #7 is Twilight, a film about young teen girl who falls in love with vampire who is torn by his desire to love her or suck her body dry until it’s devoid of blood. With a storyline like that, it’s no wonder why actors everywhere are lining up to be the next bloodsucking leach du jour.

First there are a few rules.

Men:

1. Show up to the audition dressed up like James Dean – Apparently, the Dracula look is out. In order to be noticed, you have to be cool, aloof, and have an I-don’t-care-what-you-think attitude. You must wear blue jeans, a white tank, and have greasy hair. Otherwise, no one will think you’re taking this vampire thing seriously.

2. Stare into the casting agents eyes like your peering deep into their soul – Male vampires are very intense. They don’t look at you. They look through you as if they can see everything you’ve ever done and ever been and they like it. Think Enrique Iglesias in every video he’s ever been in.

3. Have a “bite” face ready – everybody knows that vampires are bloodthirsty night creatures and when they are ready to feed their face scrunches up like a cat that’s just encountered a dog while crossing the street. If it helps, take a walk around the block and mimic the kitties in your neighborhood.

Women:

1. Show up at the audition dressed provocatively -for some reason female vamps in any generation are always sultry. They always dress like they belong on the main drag of the Vegas strip and their always very attractive. If you model yourself after a Nevada brothel prostitute, you’ll do just fine.

2. Give the casting director “bedroom eyes” – while the men in most vampire roles have to look into your soul the female vamps tend to be a bit shallower. They don’t want to know you. They just want to have sex with you. Rent an old Mae West film and you’ll get the idea of how you should act.

3. Have a “bite” face ready – Same deal as the men. Just follow the cats around in your neighborhood and do what they do.

Now that you have all the rules to portraying a vampire, you’re all set. Good luck and happy hunting!