‘The Marriage of Bette and Boo’ (Bette)

Bette: Hurry up, Boo. I want to use the shower. (Speaks to the audience, who seems to be her great friend:) First I was a tomboy. I used to climb trees and beat up my brother Tom. Then I used to try to break my sister Joanie’s voice box because she liked to sing.  She always scratched me though, so instead I tried to play Emily’s cello.  Except I don’t have a lot of musical talent, but I’m very popular.  And I know more about the cello than people who don’t know anything.  I don’t like the cello, it’s too much work and besides, keeping my legs open that way made me feel funny.  I asked Emily if it made her feel funny and she didn’t know what I meant:; and then when I told her she cried for two whole hours and then went to confession twice, just in case the priest didn’t understand her the first time. Dopey Emily. She means well. (Calls offstage:) Booey! I’m pregnant! (To audience:) Actually I couldn’t be because I’m a virgin.  A married man tried to have an affair with me, but he was married and so it would have been pointless.  I didn’t know he was married until two months ago. Then I met Booey, sort of on the rebound. He seems fine though. (Calls out:) Booey! (To audience:) I went to confession about the cello practicing, but I don’t think the priest heard me. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t even give me a penance. I wonder if nobody was in there. But as long as your conscience is all right, then so is your soul. (Calls, giddy, happy:) Booey, come on!